Unexpected misery, going through my apartment and realising I have nothing but Chalmers at the moment. I have hardly anything that's me here. I have almost no furniture, my apartment isn't liveable and up until today I had no idea what was in most of my cupboards. I have hardly been home, I've devoted this year to decadence. I moved to this apartment so long ago, and I haven't done anything to it to make it mine since it became mine. Perhaps that's a sign of a lack of own identity.
An interesting and saddening thought is that I can see myself taking on others identities a little. I I think I long for some belonging, and often get more involved than I should in things that aren't mine. I envy people who have some kind of brotherhood, and I feel lonely. I guess tennis is what I had and tennis is what makes me feel at home, in my element, and I don't play it anymore. There's so much sentimentality in holding a racket, getting a feel for the ball when my body realises it's doing something so familiar, something which has forced me through so much emotion and been a huge part of my identity up until the late teenage years. It fucking sucks to lose touch with those kind of things. I love that sport and it's so beautiful, so natural to me. It's what I need to feel some history. It's mine, it used to be so entwined with my identity.
What do I have now? Studies (barely anymore), cigarettes and caps, the drinking game. The committee made me feel like part of something greater than myself - but it's so destructive, and over now in any case. I guess I'm going to have to try and redefine what I see as me when I move to this new apartment. It's just that everything I am feels so temporary except for tennis and family.
You know, I think cigarettes are one of the biggest obstacles to myself. I can't believe I still smoke. I feel more alive when I don't, and I feel like I'm hiding behind something when I do. There's no defending it, there's no reason and there's no point in it, apart from running away. Why do I still want to do that, though? Retarded.
When things were shitty in my previous relationship, I sought refuge in Chalmers and mad studying. People felt sorry for me because I was in school all the time, I think. And when that ended, I immediately sought refuge in the committee, which isn't at all compatible with my general world view or morals. And now that that is over I have a new relationship, which is also a sort of escape from having to define myself on my own. I don't think it's good for me, really. And like I've been told, I've already changed in a few ways because of it, and that's a bad sign... I've gone against several convictions I had, and I've acted very strangely, just letting myself get taken over - probably because I need it somehow. That sucks, too.
Whatever new sphere I get into, I adapt so much. Like now - to be brutally honest, I'm stepping over what I really think to try and incorporate someone else's views so that I can take it, so that I can convince myself that I'm not being walked over. Hm, I've already messed up friendships because of this, and found myself just accepting a lot of things that go against what I think and feel. It's hard to believe that I'm so ready to make excuses for someone else's behaviour. What for, what for? Madness, and upsetting.
Or am I just too worrisome? Who cares, I mean, people change, right? People affect eachother and that's definitely natural. I guess it's just bad for you if it's too much of a one-way influence. And I guess I'll wait and see, and try not to panic.