LP 2.75

I continue to be weaker than I ought to be. I wonder why. The simple explanation is that school is going to shit, and I'm too tired to make an honest effort completely alone, so I disappear into the background under a veil of complete infatuation. Escape from reality with someone who I feel I can hang on to, who I feel I can build something with. Or what? Is that just another illusion based on my current need for escape? Find someone in your state of misery who makes you forget your state of misery. And then use that addiction as a "healthy" reason to not do something about the state of misery.

Talking about the fact that life changes us and changes what we need or want from a relationship. A horrible thought would be that I just need this now, for comfort and escape, and that other things such as studies and independence will seem more important to me later, when my life stabilises again or when I feel that I need to do something about myself. The selfishness. Can it really be that bad?

This person seems sane though, and in a good place mentally. Confident, strong, caring and doing well. And he likes me despite the fact that I'm a wreck at the moment, seems to understand that I'm usually stronger than this and that I have discipline and can pursue goals I've set up for myself. Just not this year, not this year. This year is fucking terrible, and goes against all I thought I stood for. It's a year of concentrated chaos and decadence and denying responsibility for failure, as well as some sort of apathy. It's a year of excuses and of tiredness and of getting yourself completely sidetracked by something that you find must take up all of your energy, otherwise you won't even be able to justify it to your own twisted conscience.

It's so hard to judge yourself when your convictions keep changing. And again - are they changing so that your conscience and sense of righteousness can adapt to the new, weaker you, or are you changing into a more tolerant, open and therefore better person?