Don't ask why.

I'm tired. Too many people. Too much effort to entertain them. I can't be quiet - I have to attempt to entertain - and this tires me out. There are too many people to analyse, to adapt my tone towards, to feel their ulterior motives and figure out their little, swift, fleeting changes in attitude and thought. It tires me out. There's nowhere to be alone and just relax without people. Human beings are everywhere and always. There's never a rest, not even a small one. Not when you live with them, study with them, train with them and see them on the streets. Only to go home to them. And then they're there electronically, showing or not showing their intentions and emotions.

All this needs to be processed, understood, and conclusions must be drawn on how to react.

People have created or modified everything that I come across and compulsive determining of their characteristics and character makes me exhausted.

No-one does the same for me.

...

This helped me, I needed it. I don't want you to know. I can't force what you need, even though I want to so much, I'm completely torn and disappointed in myself. It feels bad that I can't react the proper way.
You're one of the two people that have seen me like that. And it didn't feel awkward at all.

...

And you, you've changed. You're patronising in a way you believe is subtle, but I realise and feel it all too well. Keeping up appearances is making me fray at the edges.
When I was in your situation, this is not how I acted. You're going.

4 comments:

esoterisk said...

Läs ett av mina gammla blogginlägg där jag i fet stil beksriver vikten av ensamhet.

Om jag hade några intentioner eller motiv så skulle jag avslöja dem. Men jag är inte en av dem...

Jag tror du överanalyserar saken. Vi människor vi lever i grupper och gemenskaper, that's tha shiiit.
Utan att överanalysera får människor som vi ingen tillfredställelse.

Marina said...

Jo, vi är flockdjur. Men fan, jag orkar inte uppfatta fler människor just nu.

Det är klart att du har intentioner och motiv. Här syftade jag inte enbart på de "dåliga". Jag syftade på mitt behov av att komma på hurdana människor är överhuvudtaget. Jag kan inte låta dem vara. OK, alla analyserar alla. Men just nu orkar jag inte med mina tvångsmässiga analyser.

Flaky said...

whats the relationship, between the two of u now?

Marina said...

We're getting married, I think. ><

...Naeh, still the same.