Careface

I'm by myself now, and enough time has passed for me to begin to learn to enjoy this freedom. I no longer have to justify everything I do to someone else. I no longer have to have craziness categorised as sickness, I no longer have to stand incredulity as the standard reaction to silly quirks. I no longer have boundaries (unknowingly?) imposed by another. So, this poses the question - is there now any mechanism by which to keep myself in check?

Let me see... No. And my track record when alone doesn't look too promising, either. Destructive could have been my middle name, if that hadn't sounded so damn done.

Ah, I now have to learn to do things solely for my own good. And to be able to be good to yourself, you must have enough self-worth to think you deserve it. I must find this self-worth somewhere, find it and stop sabotaging my own attempts at success, stop wallowing in self-created mess. Just keep your head clear, dear, and demon-free. How difficult could that possibly be?

Dance

You say that was the last dance, and let's forget we even took the floor. But this dance, it's all my signature moves, and I'll break you down before you even notice the tune. You say it's not your style, it's not for you. But I've got game. And I know you want to.

Attraction based on what?

Since I found out you would if you could, I've been thinking about things we shouldn't. And though I know that you won't and we didn't, it keeps buzzing all around my mind. And I imagine you thinking you can't but you want to - and that maelstrom won't let me stay put.

And whatever attraction there is will all vanish, if you give in but one little bit.

Tremor

You know when you look someone in the eyes and you believe you share a small, flitting thought. And then you go on wondering if they went on wondering about it or not.

It's kind of like when you fall in love, get obsessed and can't help but notice every little thing. Comments that may or may not have been throwaway can thrill your insides. And then there's the intentional or unintentional, conscious or subconscious physical contact that leaves you shivering with the meaning it held, for you.

Fantastic how small, small ripples in an otherwise normal chain of events can cause tremors strong enough to claim your prolonged attention. And for what? Are such things worth getting even mildly excited about? Well, yeah. Sometimes it's nice to notice that our curiousity isn't yet completely callous, that we still yearn for mutual understanding, mutual attraction and the confirmation that our social feelers aren't deceiving us.

Boxer

I try so hard. I really do. At least I think so. I think I'm doing my utmost. Could I work more? Try harder? Do more? Whine less? Plan better? Would things be better then? They would, wouldn't they.

"I will work harder."

A way to increase self-confidence

Here's a trick - imagine that you are a certain person's fantasy.

Imagine that you're both in the same room, with the tension so taut between you it could go off in a heartbeat. You could be standing with your backs to one another, but a kind of pulsating energy is strung between you, smouldering your insides and making you achingly aware of the animal instincts begging to take over. It's yours for the taking, so submerge yourself into this motion picture and star.

Watch them looking at you with a hot desperation that sets you on fire, lets you take complete control. You know, you sense that this person can't help what's happening to them. Reason has no say in this realm. You can see their body transform, heat up, swell as the craving beast that is desire takes over, clouding their eyes but sharpening their hunger. A heady feeling takes over you, the effect you have on them almost lifts you off the ground.

There's no mistaking this. The space between you now oozes, drips of condensed fever as the person approaches, heart beating like mad in their throat, liquified lust glazing their skin. They come closer, and the need for you emanates from them in heatwaves, consuming you both. It just about devours them from inside as it reverberates between you. They can't hold on much longer, the taut energy between you is one moment, one breath away from snapping. You're staring into the face of madness, of greed, of starvation, intent on you alone. They inadvertedly make a noise with a shallow exhalation. And let loose. The world explodes.

And frankly, you get quite carried away yourself.

Now: encapsulate this feeling, this mood, and carry it with you next time you meet them. You'll find it's empowering.

Good friends saying wise things

"if you keep thinking that all your opinions are some kind of female derangement you might as well start looking for the Matrix plug in the back of your head"
"you have to start trusting your senses sometime"

I am so quiet nowadays. I keep on swallowing my instinctive reactions to things and denying my impulses. I've been conditioned to disbelieve all of my own opinions. As soon as I go into a bad thought spiral it's something I've invented. It's something I've conjured up from nothing in my sick, incriminating and twisted imagination.

Yeah, I just make all these bad thoughts up because I'm hormonally imbalanced. As soon as something upsets me, it's hormonal imbalance, fantasies, unreal. It's not really there. I am usually very happy with things. I am not having doubts or bad thoughts. No.

I would be such a good citizen of a totalitarian regime. You're unsatisfied you say? But how can you be unsatisfied, you said you were happy just the other day. You've been thinking doubtful thoughts inside your head? That's impossible. That's something you just made up now because you're a hormonally imbalanced monster. You really are completely mad, you need professional help.

I'm your source of self-destruction

You'd better watch out. I can see what's going on, so you're going to want to be careful.

I used to revel in these situations before, and my whiskers are twitching, twitching with anticipation. The chaos in me wants to exacerbate it all and take it further, further, until it climaxes and ruins you.

A smidgeon of guilt twinges in me at reflection on how typical it all is, and how I'm not doing much to prevent matters from flowing their course... But I'm afraid I must have the recognition I've always craved, and you are excellent prey, aren't you?

So here's my nice side: Tread lightly, and deny your instincts.